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Cheating or Growing Pains

Cheating Blog
Okay, I was driving as I recorded this but I had a hardcore spurt of anger and I decided to just get it out before I forgot it again so this is me typing out a voice memo…

So I was seeing this guy once, right. And you know when you first fall in love, how you are just blinded by love? All you feel are butterflies and fuckin rainbows. This is your person and you are just blind to the rest of the world because you are so in your puppy love feels. You don’t even think about anyone else, why would you, because of how into this guy you are. We all feel that way right? Like it’s how normal people fall in love right?

Okay well, this guy that I was seeing really reaaaaaallly made me believe that he was just head over heels in love, obsessed with me. Let's face it who wouldn't want a man to be obsessed with you ;)

Well, the problem was, this guy was also obsessed with every other girl on the planet!!! I’m talking literally anything that had boobs and a vagina, this man was in love with.

And it’s not even that he would get physical with anyone, although he did that too but that’s a story for another day. It’s that he sought out constant attention from girls online. ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME! I mean Instagram, Snapchat, FaceTime, literally anything you can think of to get girls online, this dude needed to have. He needed constant validation from every female on the planet while simultaneously building a relationship with me. Obviously, at first, I was not aware of all these wonderful other females who were a part of my relationship. I mean god damn if I had known, I would have thrown a little potluck dinner party so we could all get to know each other. Nah, little helpless romantic Kim over here thought she was just dating a normal guy. Emphasis on the normal hunnnyyyyy!

Now here comes the real kicker, you ready?

When I caught this guy cheating on me he proceeded to tell me that this was just a growing pain… WHAT THE FUCK IS A GROWING PAIN? Who in their right mind says that cheating on someone is a “growing pain” in the bigger picture that is “our relationship” ??? This man, or boy I guess because what man calls cheating a growing pain HA! Aaaaanyways this boy dead ass looked me in the eyes and told me that this wasn’t a big deal and his cheating was a problem that could easily be resolved. No apology, just shrugged it off as if I had just accused him of eating the last bit of my ice cream in the freezer. Cheating, eating ice cream, same thing right.

So I stayed… and it kept happening… over and over and over and over and oh yah OVER again.

Now yes, it is obviously my own fault for staying with someone who constantly cheated on me. Trust me, I am very well aware of this and am not looking for a pity party. I threw plenty of those for myself. Baked myself a pity party cake and had a flippin' pitty piñata. Whatever. Not a proud moment in life for me. But hey, I was young and naive...

But this man would cheat time after time again, and always give me the same response when I confronted him. He would actually say to me that his cheating on me was no big deal because these little online affairs were just GROWING PAINS. Just kinks in the road that we needed to work out now at the beginning of our relationship so that we could build a future together. Dead ass told me he was still "getting used to having a girlfriend." Oh shit my bad, I didn't know there was like a free trial period in relationships.

It gets better... He told me that I needed to just accept that he was going to do this from time to time but oh no DON'T WORRY it was totally okay because he saw a real future with me. He saw “forever” with me. I’m sorry but who continuously cheats on someone they see a future with? This guy would look at me and tell me how excited he was for our life together and then turn around go text some girl a picture of his dick. I literally caught him in the act one morning after I got up to go take a shower, like what??? But hey, at least he admitted to not being perfect. You know how some people have a crooked tooth or a little birthmark? Yah his cheating habits were just part of him too apparently. He used to tell me this is just who he is and he will try to be better and get this... TRY TO NOT CHEAT ON ME. I’m sorry sir but are you okay? You will TRY to not cheat?

Ugh, anger.

He even once told me that if I didn’t like the situation he would rectify the problem.
Like what? Is this a business agreement or a relationship? But the way he approached these fights so calmly, confused me. It messed with my brain, you guys!! He would be so relaxed in the way he spoke to me about him cheating on me that it actually made me think that maybe I was overreacting. Maybe it wasn’t a big deal that dozens of girls were receiving pictures of his penis. Maybe it wasn’t something that I was supposed to be upset about. Maybe it was normal.

And I spent months with this mindset… I’m talking months of getting manipulated and cheated on and sitting there thinking that this was all okay. Like aww, babe you told another girl to come sit on your face, but at least you brought me home some dinner. So sweet. In fact, I EVEN ENDED UP APOLOGIZING FOR HIS CHEATING. That’s right, this dude messed with my head so bad that there were times that I ended up being the one to apologize for catching him in his cheating… please someone go back in time and just smack me.

But I found myself stuck in this toxic cycle. I will admit, it brought out a side of me that I am beyond embarrassed by. I started snooping. I’m not trying to justify my actions, I don’t believe in going through your partner’s things and I should have just walked away instead of stooping so low but that's not what happened. I would go through his messages, I would find lovely rated R pictures or messages that belong in erotic novels, I would flip out, he would tell me that it was my fault for checking his phone in the first place, I would end up apologizing, and a week later we did the whole thing all over again. It got to the point where his friends were literally telling me to make a run for it because they were concerned for me and my mental health. Apparently watching me break down screaming Taylor Swift songs while taking shots every weekend was a bit of a red flag.

But I chose to stay with him, knowing everything that he was doing to me. And not only did I stay; but I was the one apologizing. I was the one who would feel like shit for going through his things and finding something because every time I did, he would sit there and say “once again you went through my things” or “why do you always have to look for a problem” or “there you go again finding something to make yourself upset”…

YEAH, BITCH I'M UPSET!! You just sent a girl a picture of your junk and told her that you were going to go do very overly friendly things to her before you come home to me… I’m sorry would you like me to have a Gatorade and power bar waiting for you after? Maybe give you a standing ovation when you walk through the door? Dude...

To say it was toxic is an understatement.

But I would still sit there and say to myself:
“I love this man and if he would just stop cheating on me we could have an amazing future together.”

HONEY HOLY SHIT!! If you ever catch yourself saying “if he would just stop cheating on me” FUCKING RUN. Like, get the hell out of there. Don’t even pack your things, just haul ass as far away as you can. Get out!!!!!

“If he stopped cheating on me” should never ever leave your mouth. Oh my god if I could slap some sense into past me I would. I mean I sit there explaining this story to people and it literally makes me sick to my stomach. Like yes, NOW I’m stronger. NOW I know better. NOW I see how messed up the situation was, but during that time, I was blind.

Okay, I need to end this blog because honestly, this is one story that could go on for pages and pages and pages. At the end of the day what I really want you to know is that it is never ever okay for someone to make you feel like it is your fault for their cheating. You are not responsible for someone else's actions but you are responsible for your own. Only you can decide to be strong enough to walk away. So learn from my mistakes and leave when you are being disrespected. CHEATING IS NOT A GROWING PAIN!!!

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